My Heart
by thecapuletgirl
Summary: An AU story where both Lana and Oliver are struggling with their own demons and for their survival. Disclaimer: I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

It's been 21 days since it started. It's always the same, except for the very first time. He was very angry after it happened, told me it was a mistake to bring me here in the first place and I saw something in his eyes that was so unpredictable and scared me the most to the point of physically shaking.

I reassured him it was ok, that he's not the one to blame. I started to play his game where he believed it was me who provoked him and deliberately turned him on. He was anxiously smoking a cigarette, I saw his hand trembling and I knew I had to step in, because otherwise something terrible would happen. I got to the edge of the bed the chain that held my ankle wouldn't let me to stand up so I held out my hand towards him, I couldn't even reach the hem of his white shirt he was standing a few steps farther.

"Oliver...please..." our eyes met.

I'm sure he could see the begging in my eyes, but I could only see confusion in his. He hesitated for a moment then took my hand.

Intertwined his fingers with mine and gestured me to move so he could sit down on the bed beside me. Tears filled his eyes, but he didn't say anything, I stayed silent as well, there was nothing left to be said.

With his trembling lips he kissed me on the cheek and burried his face in my hair, then with an abrupt motion he grabbed me by the waist and pressed me hard against his chest. He was sobbing into my neck and with both hands holding me as close to his body as possible.

I rested my head on his shoulder and stroke his neck. His heart was racing against my body and for the first time he seemed like a terrified little bird who's heart is about to jump out of his chest. I could tell that he was finally sorry for everything he'd done to me, but was it enough for me to forgive him?

Right now was it enough not to hate him and feel compassion for his lost soul? I had no idea what I just started. What had I set sail to through this raging ocean that has become my life? Our lives. Because from that moment it started to be obvious that we' going to be connected in more ways than just physical.

Since then he violated me every day.

Everything started to blend together and became some sort of twisted woeful stereotype, but I kept track of the days regardless, it seemed to be the only thing connecting me to the outside world.

I asked him for a clock I could keep on my bedside table, I knew giving it to me was something unwilling from him, but he wanted to keep me content and happy like he often said.

How could he think my heart was happy even for a single moment with him I will never understand, but my body started showing him something else. As if it would completely betray me and finally belong only to him.

On the second occassion when he dicided it would cure us both if we had sexual relations and even join our souls he looked deep into my eyes as serious as ever and these exact words escaped his lips:

"Lana, I can't come until you don't come..." he looked away for a moment as if to gather his thoughts and wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.

"The longer you hold on the longer I will go on. I know you're afraid, but I don't want to hurt you in any way. I never wanted it to become so complicated, but you give me no choice. You're mine and I'm unable to reach the highest peak of our love if you don't show me first how much you need me."

Tears were unstoppably flowing down my cheeks and he tried to wipe them off with kisses, but I couldn't forget those words, I knew it will be difficult and my hopes for escaping had wanished a long time ago, but now I knew I have to satisfy his desires.

Otherwise we'll be back to the point where he so vehemently wanted to kill me and go on with his old habits including finding innocent victims who were mentally weaker than me and would let him kill them instead of giving in, or just had things outside this basement to live for and wanted to escape so much that they fought him even for the price of their lives. They had somrthing to fight for. I had lost that already.

Sometimes he had been gentle and hesitated with every thrust as if making sure I was ok, as if paying close attention to every little reaction of my body, other times he was pounding me furiously not even looking at my face. Forgetting about the world surrounding him, but one thing had always been the same, he would go on and on for long hours until I finally gave in.

My body reacting to his stimuli and because of some for me unknown reasons I came. The world exploding around us in a sweet sensation. When I came back to my senses I always knew he immediately followed, his whole being scattered by the abrupt contractions of my muscles gripping his member and by the happiness that winning over me gave him.

Now for the longer part of the day I could still feel him inside me, even if he wasn't here with me.

My body got used to his needs it even stimulated his presence while he had been absent. Desperation and fear had been gone along with my freedom.

I knew I was hypothetically save as long as I contributed to making him feel loved and participated in his desires.

He often had spoken about his childhood and told me stories about him growing up and attending medical school while I was eating breakfast every morning before he left for his practice.

He had left Briarcliff for good he told me and the other mental hospital he worked at during the weekends as well. Money ceased to be the problem he said and he wanted to spend more time with me.

While he had been gone to work I was either sleeping or thinking, but the recurring nightmares always interrupted my peaceful sleep. In them I had been strapped to a hospital bed unable to move. Back then I even thought that it's no different to the situation I'm in when I'm awake, maybe I had been naive all my life trusting in happy endings, maybe it just protected my sanity.

Now I know it had been something else. The more I resisted the more I had been unable to recognize the truth that had been layed before from the very beginning.

When he came back from work around 4 o' clock he had always come down the stairs completely naked his penis almost erect.

I slowly uncovered myself and the sheet slipped to the floor. I pulled the hem of my nightgown up on my thighs not breaking eye contact with him as he approached with slow steps. When the nightgown covered nothing below my stomach he had never cased to be surprised by the fact that I hadn't been wearing any underwear, it would only be a useless formality I decided.

His eyes full of yearning and pleasure as he climbed on top of me. His upper lip shaking with a confusion whether to allow himself the joy or rather not.

By the time he entered me he was full aware that this time was different.

His mouth briefly parted as he moaned my name.

He didn't say anything else, it completely sufficed he knew how wet I was and that I cloed my eyes because of the overwhelming desire, not because I wouldn't want to see him.

He ripped the nightgown open on my chest and yanked my arms out of it.

He was kissing my neck and he proceeded down to my breasts and when he licked and started to suck my nipple I panted out loud, but I was afraid to allow myself any other reaction. Afraid of doing something that he might not like. Afraid of myself that I would find myself entirely giving in to him.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and when we both came almost at the same time I cried out his name for the first time during the orgasm.

His fingers digged into the mattress as if he couldn't contain himself under the weight of such enormous pleasure.

He lowered his head and kissed my lips passionately. As I parted them I tasted cigattes and whiskey on his tongue.

It was the first time we were kissing like that.

He collapsed onto my chest, his weigh almost making it unable for me to breathe, but it didn't matter. His eyes were closed his whole being so peaceful as if he had reached the very fulfillment of his life.

I ran my fingers through his soft hair and burried my face in it. He smelled of delicate spicy cologne with an udnertone of sweet lavender. I inhaled deeply letting it to fill my head.

I wanted to remember his smell, to remember this moment when I was sure of one thing.

I loved him. I honestly didn't know how was it possible to fall in love under such conditions, but I felt that in his own way he felt something strong for me too and needed me. The same as I needed him.

He rolled to my side and opened his eyes. I looked into those beautiful brown eyes that I had been communicating with even without words. He pushed the lock of my hair from my cheek and tucked it behind my ear.

"I knew it Lana. I knew it for a long time." He smiled carefully pronouncing every word.

"I love you."

Finally there was nothing to hide, I opened my heart to him as he opened his to me a long time ago.

The gaze in his eyes melted and it seemed as if he'd experienced absolution and every little piece had finally fallen into place.

I pressed my face against his chest and hugged him tight. My lips brushing against him in hesitant kisses.

I felt the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders and the feeling of this lightness made me slowly drift into sweet sleep where everything was alright and there were no obstacles that our love would have to endure just us existing apart from the whole world not us against the world.


	2. Chapter 2

My breathing was very shallow and I tried to open my eyes but a strong light pierced through my eyelids.

I started blinking and tried to recognize the surroundings I found myself in.

I was lying on a bed, a hospital bed that appeared in my nightmares, but in my mind I couldn't logically explain why had this terrifying dream come to me again after such a long time when everything was finally so perfect.

I saw silhouettes of two people leaning over me, but I couldn't recognize their faces.

My ears were hearing that they're talking, but my brain couldn't make out the sentences just few words.

_Fever, getting better, it's about time, takes only, short time._ A male voice sweet like honey and somehow so familiar was whispering them.

"Take care of her." The second person said out loud who's voice belonged to a female as was wearing black clothes from head to toe and even something covering her head.

I felt dizzy and shut my eyes and pressed my eyelids down hard concentrating on waking up.

When I opened my eyes I found myself in a comfortable familiar bed, our bed, even if he has never been sleeping here.

This time wasn't an exception, although I hoped that after everything what happened I would find him here lying beside me.

I took the pillow his head was resting on when I fell asleep last night and inhaled his smell still lingering on it. It calmed me and excited me at the same time. I pressed it hard against my face when I heard footsteps.

"Lana what are you doing?" His voice sounding alert. I took the pillow off my face and looked at him.

He looked terrified. I couldn't help but smile seeing him so frightened, so fragile.

"I missed you and it smelled like you."His eyes immediately softened and he stepped closer.

I reached out my hand to him and pulling him on the bed I kissed his lips sealing the distance between us.

He pulled me into his lap and run his finger through my hair. As our lips broke apart his eyes met mine and I could tell what's on his mind even before his thoughts could escape his lips.

"It's ok, I'm here. I'll never leave you. I promise."

I rested my head on his shoulder and felt a craving that was consuming my whole being.

The need of him being as close to me as it is humanly possible, but I wasn't able to do anything that would quench my desire, because I felt enormously tired and sleepy.

Slowly I let the pull to take me into the lands of my subconsciousness.

I felt better when I woke up.

I didn't want to open my eyes, not yet, not this time. Few more moments, there's no need to hurry.

I was sure I'll find him sleeping sweetly in the bed, I wanted to watch him sleep so much.

I wanted to stretch before I opened my eyes because my muscles seemed very stiff, but I couldn't.

Something was restraining me, I couldn't move my hands or legs for more than few inches.

I opened my eyes in an instant and tried to make out what's wrong.

I saw him leaning over me. He looked so elegant and more handsome than ever. White shirt and red tie, he had his glasses on, his hair slicked back the way I found it the most attractive.

Only his eyes were different, I coudn't find any trace of need or craving in them. The way they always looked at me was now gone.

I saw him placing his hand on my chest but instead of his soft fingers I felt something cold against my skin.

There was a stethoscope in his hand that caused the uncomfortable sensation against my skin. After few second he took the stethoscope out of his ears and pursed his lips.

"Ms Winters...I'm Dr. Thredson your attending physician, you may not remember me..." his words faded into echoes because I could only hear the abrupt skipping of my heart.

I wasn't sure if it's going to stop or not, but it would make no difference to me.

I wanted to wake up or die in an instant. The only thing that mattered was to get back to my own bed in Oliver's basement.

"Ms Winters can you hear me?" Oliver flashed a little light into my left eye then into the right one.

I slowly nodded, not sure how to react and what to tell him.

Why can't I wake up and why is he playing this game with me?

"You were unconscious for days Ms Winters. A nervous breakdown caused it and you had high fever. I can still hear inflammation in your lungs when you're breathing, you caught a cold when you tried to escape on the night of that heavy storm. They found you uncsonsious by stairs of the main entrance soaking wet, you could be lying there for hours." He shook his head as if in disbelief.

"I've been your psychiatrist since then day you were brought here Lana." I tried to focus on the last word he said.

My name.

The same lips pronounced it, the same voice brought it alive, yet it sounded different from all those times he's angrily yelled it, sweetly whispered it, yearningly moaned it.

I tried to yank my hand free, but it was impossible. I wanted to touch him to remind him of the touch that meant life for him, but I couldn't.

I needed him to reassure me everything's gonna be alright, that it's just an awful nightmare and that I will wake up in his arms.

"Give me your hand." I tried to catch the gaze of his eyes but he wouldn't look directly at me. Instead he was preparing something on the table nearby, glancing at me from time to time.

"Oliver please!" I said louder than I intended. He looked at me with a vacant gaze and held an injection in his hand.

"NO! PLEASE! OLIVER! PLEASE!" I was yelling so loudly that two orderlies entered the room.

I could feel the piercing of the needle through my skin when a woman dressed in black looking like a nun approached my bed.

"Sister Jude, she's delusional again." Oliver told the woman who placed her hand on his shoulder. I could feel the rage rise through my whole body up to my head.

"Don't touch him you fucking bitch!" I yelled.

The orderlies came closer as if I could be dangerous or mean any harm to anybody in the room while I was restrained from head to toe.

"You're taking good care of her doctor, don't worry." The woman called sister Jude told Oliver and left the room indicating the orderlies to go with her.

We finally stayed alone. Just me and him.

I could instantly feel more relaxed and even a smile showed up on my face.

I knew he'll pretend no more and now that nobody's looking he'll be mine again.

I waited for him to make the first approach. I didn't want to look needy so I remained silent but then I drifted to sleep.

It's been 21 days since I hugged him, since I kissed him, since I'd been entirely his for the last time. They placed a clock on my bedside table so I could keep track of time.

I miss him the way that I can't eat, sleep or when he's absent breathe.

But even if he's here with me it's not him anymore.

He just looks like my Oliver, but he doesn't aknowledge my presence the way he had when he loved me and I loved him back and it's slowly tearing my heart apart.

Sister Jude even called for a cardiologist, but I'm sure it was him worrying about me. The specialist said I have arrhythmia from the nerves or something like that. Oliver confirmed it can be so. But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm sure this is just a nightmare and when I die I wake up into the reality.

The fact that he smiled at me today because of the recovery I made keeps me believing so.

He said I behave much better and I don't need those injections that knock me out anymore. I'm starting to see compassion in his eyes and it gives me a slight hope for those few moments when our eyes meet.

I don't know what's dream and what's reality anymore.

Even Oliver is trying to convince me that I'm awake, our therapy sessions continue and I try to sound as reasonable as it can be when I talk to him, but when I look into this eyes I lose myself in them and all the memories start to percolate until they become a heavy flood that I can't stop.

They say I'm insane. He never said that, I can tell he believes in me.

Believes in my innocence because one day he'll remember and then he'll lock me in his embrace and never let me go.

They said I killed my girlfriend Wendy, strangled her with a telephone cable and stabbed her to the heart with a knife.

The police found her dead in our bed, in my and Oliver's bed. The knife still sticking out of her ribcage. It happened in my and Wendy's apartment, but I don't remember living there.

I loved her, they said, but I can't remember loving anybody else but Oliver.

I was on the floor unconscious when they found her body. I had her blood smeared all over my face, they said.

Bloody face, they called me.

I know it's just the thing they made up so they can make me unhappy and maybe I don't even deserve happiness.

I couldn't see the obvious at the beginning and I had let Oliver believe I'll never return his feelings, he suffered because of me so maybe I truly deserve this.

But I know one thing for sure and it's as clear to me as breathing.

I'll wait. For him. I'll endure anything.

I'll pretend he's just a doctor and we don't have feelings for each other.

I'll endure the tortures of sister Jude, I'll endure electroshock therapy from her.

She thinks she can make me forget and maybe she's right.

She can make me forget everything except for one thing.

Oliver Thredson is where I belong.

He kidnapped me, opened his heart to me, captured my heart in his own.

Held me captive, but not anymore because one day I'll return to his basement where he's waiting for me and then the only remaining thing held captive by him will be **my heart.**


	3. Chapter 3

When I woke up I almost couldn't believe my own eyes. I started touching everything around me, the bed sheets, the pillows. My legs finally moved freely, no chain, no restraining.

He finally trusted me. I laughed out loud.

I had been back to our bed, back to Oliver's basement.

I rushed out of the bed upstairs to find the door unlocked. I tried to remember which door led to the living room, but it has been a tremendously long time since I had been here before he locked me in the basement as if it all has not even been true.

"Oliver..." I called for him loudly, without getting an answer. "OLIVER" this time I yelled and desperation started to rise in my mind.

He wasn't here. I'm alone.

What if he had left me? What if I can't find him? What if all this is just a sick dream? What if I'm dead? I froze.

All the blood rushing out of my head. I suddenly felt dizzy and had to lean against the wall to support myself from falling to the floor.

I never felt so alone and bewildered. What is my life? What is all this? There was no one who could help me, nobody to ressure me. But even if there would be I didn't need anybody except for him.

He has become my whole life.

The same way as I've given him hope and a thing to live for he has given me the same and that thing, the only thing worth was our love.

I started sobbing when the door suddenly opened and he was stading there.

Shocked as he saw me confused with tears in my eyes. He dropped the shopping bags he was carrying to the floor and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Lana what's wrong?" His eyes concerned. I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. He lifted me into his arms so I wouldn't need to stand on tiptoes and kissed me.

"You're already starting to get heavier." he smiled, confusion replaced with a warm look in his eyes.

"Look," he let go of me and started to go through the shopping bags he had brought home. "These were so cute I had to buy them, so I got a pink one and a blue one too." With a wide heartfelt grin he showed me two pairs of little knitted shoes for babies. I could only silently stare at him.

"I don't...understand Oliver." His eyes changed to being concerned. He took my hand a led me to the living room sitting down on the sofa next to me, never letting go of my hand.

"Lana don't you remember?" He asked hesitantly. "You're expecting our baby. You've had some rough times keeping the food down and dizziness, but I've been giving you medicine and you started to feel better." He placed my hand into his lap and got hold of it with both hands.

"You've been sleeping so well lately." He put his glasses down and looked into my eyes.

"You had the nightmare again, haven't you?" I nodded.

"I could give you something stronger for sleeping but..." he exhaled loudly. "A stronger dosage could harm the baby. I knew Briarcliff will leave an effect on you, I just knew it." With an abrupt movement he stood up and threw the jacket of his suit at the arm of the sofa and started pacing around the room.

"Those bastards." He yelled. I knew I had to calm him down, he was so impulsive when it came to even the most basic things and I knew I was the only person who can get his mind off the things that made him furious.

I stood up as well and grabbed his arm. He turned around and I gently caressed his cheek. I knew my touch was working as a trigger in his mind and he forgot everything as long as he felt it.

He looked down at me and I placed my other hand to the other side of his face. He closed his eyes and slowly parted his lips in a moan.

"Oliver." I carefully pronounced his name. His name has been the word that escaped my lips more often than anything else for what seemed like my whole life now, because nothing that had happened before mattered.

There was no before. My life started when I finally admitted that I loved him.

"Everything's gonna be alright as long as you say so, because we need to reassure each other that we can overcome everything as long as we have each other." I said. He gulped and I could say that those were the unshed tears in his throat and hugged so tight that I had hard time breathing. He realized it and let go of me to look into my eyes.

"Everything's gonna be alright, believe me." He repeated my words.  
"The baby is giving you a tough time, because it's going to be a tough guy just like his father or a beautiful stubborn girl like her mother." We both started to laugh I tried to picture our child, how would it look like. Would it be a boy or a girl. Would it look more like him or like me? We had a lot of time ahead of us to find out and after his words I felt no confusion or fear. As long as we're together nothing can harm me or the baby.

He suddenly kissed me and I felt the strongest desire burning through my body rising like a fire from my belly up to my shoulders. I couldn't help but break the kiss with a loud moan, which I could tell turned him on even more. He lifted me into his arms and carried me to the couch where he dropped me and sat on top of me. With quick movements he got rid of his tie and unbuttoned his white shirt.

"I need you now." He was panting and lifted my hips to almost tear my panties apart.

He became as furious and unstoppable as when he raped me for the first time. Needing me so badly that no force on this earth could stop him.

The memory of the past that had already been behind us didn't hurt me anymore. I remembered those days and nights when he was engaging in pleasuring himself in my body without my consent with contentment because every thought of him touching me gave me plasure now.

I had forgiven him and needed him as much as he needed me, physically and mentally, too.

"I need you too Oliver, so much." I was so overwhelmed with desire I had to force myself to open my eyes to see him unzipping the fly on his pants.

I closed my eyes again. When I opened them I found myself in pitch dark the only source of light illuminating a small barred window in the metal door was the lamp in the asylum's corridor.

I sat up on the bed and my mind went blank. I couldn't even cry, couldn't think or yell for help. Yelling his name would be useless, only the guards would come and sister Jude would find a suitable punishment for me in the morning.

Why has been my own mind punishing me this much? Giving me the perfect life only in shattered images in my sleep and then taking it away the next time I woke up so I could be identified with the sad truth the next moment. If I could at least tell what has been real and what only a delusion. Maybe then I could finally give up and live the life everybody else has been living in this godforsaken place.

I thought of my dream, of Oliver's touches and the pleasure he has been giving me and slipped my fingers into the wetness between my legs.

In that moment I could feel something was wrong. I looked at my fingers sticky with a dark warm fluid and immediately knew that it was blood.

The baby. My mind was suddenly alarmed. I'm bleeding. What's happening to the baby? "Oh God please." I was calling out to him even if I never believed in his existence. I knew that if I just let it be as it may, my punishment would be nothing compared to losing our baby. Oliver would never forgive me. I knew I had to act. I got out of the bed and started slaming my fist against the door as hard as I could. After half a minute a guard appeared and asked me what I wanted.

"Open the door, please! I'm bleeding, I'm hurt!" I yelled at him. He rolled his eyes, but unlocked the door. I couldn't believe my eyes when the light from the corridor illuminated my body. My nightgown was soaked in blood and it was streaming down my thighs. I remember the world go blurry and then everything was black.

I opened my eyes lying on the bed in the infirmary. A young nun was leaning over my bed, holding my wrist and checking my pulse. She smiled at me and slowly pushed the hair from my forehead with her slim fingers.

"What happened?" I asked slowly too afraid to mention the baby, I couldn't even allow myself to think about the possibility that it may no longer be in my belly.

"You've only had a heavy flow, the nerves you know. It happenes to everyone from time to time." I looked at her with bewilderment. Heavy flow? Happens to everyone? What is she talking about? Why aren't these people concerned about the life of anybody? My baby is a human being just like them, yet she's talking about things concerning its health as if it wouldn't even exist. She saw my confusion and turned on a heel when she was about to leave.

"The doctor said you're alright, don't worry." She said with a warm smile again. I immediately calmed down and I was thanking God and all the saints for protecting my baby. I could allow myself to smile now and I placed my hand on my belly. I couldn't feel anything yet, but I was sure the little one was feeling my love. Oliver said it can feel the mother's feeling even before it's born. I believed him and wanted to show our baby how much it's loved, because I knew that despite of all confusion and fear it will come into this world where his or her mother loves it the most in the world. It didn't matter whether it was a boy or a girl the only thing that mattered was that it was Oliver's.

I felt much better and got to leave the infirmary the same evening. The young nun reassured me again before letting me go that there's everything alright with me. She said Dr. Arden had given me something to stop the bleeding, but if I'll furthermore have any problems I shall tell the guards to let me visit her again and she will call the doctor. I slowly walked to the dining room consumed in my thoughts when I saw him elegantly descending the staircase, his movements graceful a cigarette in his left hand. When he saw me standing at the bottom of the stairs he smiled. When he approached me and only inches were dividing the space between us he reached out his hand and softly patted my shoulder.

"If my memory is correct we have a session tomorrow at ten Ms Winters." I couldn't force myself to say anything, my mouth stayed silent although I wanted to say something. Wanted to tell him how much he surprised me and how happy I am. He has never been this kind to me before. Not in this place.

All the memories flashed through my mind again and the smile froze on my face. I could only see his back as he said something to the guard at the front door and then the door closed behind him. Will I ever be able to tell him that I know him? That I loved him and he loves me in a different world. Where everything is the same as here. All the horrors are present only our love lights up the darkness surrounding us. I knew

I had to be patient. I knew it from the beginning but the paradox was the more personal his behaviour towards me has become the more I couldn't restrain myself and I was afraid that I'd do something stupid that would put him off before he could come up to me and tell me he remembers everything that has been happening between us.

"Ms Winters?" I wouldn't give him the satisfation of reacting to his words when he called me like that.

"Lana." He finally said and seemed even amused by this little manipulation I was doing right from the beginning.

Our weekly sessions became more frequent after he told sister Jude I've been making progress. I knew she loathed him for helping me and loathed me for starting to recover. She stopped the electroshock therapy after the cardiologist told her my arrhytmia could be affected by it and I might not survive it. She needed me alive. My death would give her no satisfation. She needed to torture me mentally and now after Oliver had told her that she can't refuse me having these sessions more often she decided to punish me otherwise.

I've never been allowed outside anymore. All the patients, if they behaved according to the rules were allowed for a walk twice a week for an hour in the park that was surrounding the asylum. I, on the other hand had to take double shifts in the bakery at that time. I craved for sunlight more than for food or drink. I knew the baby would need it, too, so I asked Oliver on our last session if there would be a possibility for me to go outside at least once a week.

He seemed shocked at the realization of my punishment and promised to stricktly speak to sister Jude about it. He didn't say anything about it now. I didn't want to bring it up I wanted him to show me that he keeps his promises, that he actually cares.

I was lost in my thoughts while he was typing into my file on the typerwriter. The cigarette between his lips, his face frowned, his gaze uncertain under his glasses. He took of the jacket of his suit at the beginning of our session the air started to be heavy and hot inside although it was only the end of April and the sun was shining throught the window that was barred even at his office.

I carefully followed his soft finger with my eyes as they were typing remembering the feeling they gave me once pressed against my skin in the most intimate parts of my body. I bit my lip not to let any sound out of my lips and closed my eyes. I forgot about time and suddenly realized he was speaking to me.

"...hear me?" I opened my eyes and came back to my senses. "Lana have you even been listening to me?" I saw that he wasn't typing anymore, he didn't even have my file on his desk anymore.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly. His expression calm and his eyes were looking right into mine.

"Can you tell me what were you thinking about all this time?" I didn't answer. I couldn't answer even if I wanted.

"You know you have confidence in me. I'm your therapist and I want to help you, genuinly help you, but none of my patients could make a long therm progress until they completely trusted me. And you can believe me Lana I've helped quite a few people. So, from now on let's start with being honest to each other. You can tell me anything that's on your mind. Anything that's bothering you."

"I was thinking about you." I felt as if I only got his full attention now. I could tell he flushed, because his cheeks showed a light shade of pink and I had to smile at this realization. He stood up and took off his glasses for the first time here in this world I could see him without his glasses on.

It felt so personal as if a huge iceberg that has always been between us suddenly cracked. He sat at the edge of the desk facing me crossing his arms on his chest. There were only a couple of inches separating us. I could have reached out my hand to feel him if I wanted. I decided to gather all my courage and tell him the only thing that has been occupying my mind these days. I had to act as soon as possible, I couldn't live in this doubt anymore and this moment was the right one, because I could finally be honest.

"I was thinking about you helping me with one thing." I quietly said having only a small hope.

"I'll do my best." His lips curled into a slight smile.

"I'd need a pregnancy test." I finally said it out loud but I knew his reaction even before he could say anything. He looked shocked. I knew he would consider me delusional again. Tears were forming in the corners of my eyes.

"Lana...has anybody..." he said before I could speak. "If anybody has violated you, you can tell me and I'll take care of it." He seemed to become angry and was talking very fast.

"Has anybody hurt you? Tell me please and I'll make sure he'll end up in prison. People like that don't belong to a place like this, they belong to the electric chair." He stood up covering his face with his hands.

I couldn't speak for a few moments, because his concern not only surprised me but warmed my heart to the point when I could swear I felt the little one move inside my belly for the first time. I instinctively placed my palm on my belly and stood up facing him.

"No, doctor Thredson, it hasn't been like that." I was still afraid to call him Oliver but my heart was full of hope and not even his concerned look could erase the huge smile from my face.

"You have a relationship with someone inside this institution?" I shook my head. His face haven't changed and now I became confused as well, because the only thing I could address this behaviour to was that he felt something for me and that I was too afraid to admit even to myself.

I carfully placed my hand on his forearm feeling the soft fabric of his shirt. He looked down at my hand and stepped away to sit down behind his desk. The smile was suddenly gone from my face I knew he felt something unpleasant inside, but I couldn't tell if he was really jealous, because I mattered to him or he was just inddiferent after I assured him nobody has done anything against the law or morals. He put his glasses on, his expression severe.

"Ms Winters excuse my impropriety, but according to my knowledge it's almost impossible for you to be pregnant." I opened my mouth in surprise.

"Only few weeks have passed since you recoverd from a fever, so it would be impossible for you to feel anything suspicious happening in your body that would indicate to pregancy. And although you may have had intimate relations before, which is none of my concern" at this point I was almost sure a frustration flashed through his face. "a fever that high would not allow a living thing in your womb to survive." I was still speachless and I was nervously grabbing the hem of my sweater. He couldn't be right about it. No, I was sure this time even the best doctor could be wrong. This baby was healthy and was growing inside me, he himself told me that in our living room before he made love to me.

"But if that's what you wish for I can arrange it for you." His voice pulled me back to reality, my thoughts still confused. He stood up again and was walking towards the door.

"I'll take your blood now, let me just get Dr. Arden's things from the infirmary." He left the office. Leaving me there alone with my thoughts, which now seemed scary for the first time since I got used to living in two different worlds, one of them being this horror.

What if he's right after all and the baby died? Or what if the baby has never lived at all? What if only my mind has been making up things like this to let me escape from reality?

From my crimes for which I've been punished with being locked up here? So many things have happened that I had no time to think about the poeple they say I killed. Not only Wendy, but two other women too, whose names I couldn't even recall.

And then it hit me. What monster am I? Maybe I don't even deserve to be a mother and even if I'd become a mother and they would let me keep it and raise it in a place like this wouldn't it become the same monster as me? And what if it would be growing up here with me and one day when it would understand things someone would tell him what monster and murderer his mother is? I couldn't stop the tears and I was thankful to heavens for interrupting me from my thoughts by Oliver coming back.

He quickly took my arm and with an abrupt movement rolled up the sleeve of my sweater.

There was nothing gentle in his touch. The feeling of his fingers against my skin was the same as it has always been, but it left me cold inside.

When he pierced the needle through my skin into my artery he looked at me closing my eyes.

"Are you afraid of needles or you just can't stand the sight of blood?" He asked me with such an irony that I couldn't answer him directly.

I knew what he meant. I was so naive again, I thought he started to behave more humanly as if with care. All the things he said were just plain lies a doctor would tell his patient.

I swallowed hard, I didn't want to cry. Not now, not before him.

He didn't care for me. The Oliver I loved still loved me and cared for me more than for himself, but he, this Oliver who was here with me will always stay Dr. Thredson to me, yet they were the same person. Not only looked the same, but they were the same in my heart too. I felt the same love now as I felt in my dreams. If something would happen to him now and I would be still able to go back to my Oliver in my sleep nothing would be the same anymore because I would have lost a part of him.

And the knowledge that the Oliver who was looking into my eyes now has always been and always will be indifferent toward me because he will always only see bloody face in me was breaking my heart with the intensity of physical pain.

"You can go now. I'll take your blood to the local hospital's laboratory and the results will be ready tomorrow morning. I'll let the guard know that you'll be waiting here at my office at 9 o'clock. Until then..." he pointed at the door and I knew what he meant by that. I stood up still unable to walk away and thanked him.

"You're welcome." Was the only thing he said.

As if I wouldn't be worth of more. I knew I wasn't. One last look at him before I left the office, but he didn't pay attention to me anymore. His gaze was burried in the papers he was filling up for the pregnancy test. Only if he'd know, only if. That not only my life will change by those result, but his as well. If the test will be negative then any earthly methods used by psychiatry will fail and I will give my soul up to the darkness and maybe even death. And if the test will be positive then he will become a father.

I couldn't sleep that night. Everytime I closed my eyes I could see his angry eyes when I told him I needed the test and he was asking about my possible sexual partners and I could also see the indifference in his eyes when he said he'll do as I ask and when he was taking my blood.

The anger was hard to swallow, but the indifference was almost impossible to bear.

Sleep finally win over me when the light was already entering the room through the barred window at dawn. I heard the voice of the guards when I woke up in the morning. It took me few moments to remember what is awaiting me this morning and I looked at the clock on the bedside table. I showed quarter to nine. I jumped out of the bed, because I only had 15 minuted to get ready. I knew I wouldn't be attending breakfast, but at least I wanted to wash my face and brush my hair so I wouldn't need to be embarrassed by my looks when Oliver will see me. It still mattered, although I knew I meant nothing to him.

It was 9 o'clock when I got to his office. Breathing heavily not only from almost running through the corridors, but because of the nerves that have been constantly working inside me since the morning. He was late. He has never been late before. Why now? I couldn't stand it and went to the guard at the end of the hall to ask him what time is it.

20 minutes have passed since I've been standing here. Pacing up and down the corridor. I heard steps from behind and turned around to see him talking to the guard for a few moments and then hurrying into my dirrection. His expression hard and determinated.

"Good morning." 'It was the only thing he said, I answered the same.

He took out his keys from his pocket and unlocked the door letting me in. He followed and put his briefcase on the desk. Took out a paper that was most likely my test results from it and before he handed me the sheet of paper that was about to change everything he looked at me.

We were standing at an arm length from each other and he stepped one step closer leaving no personal space between us. His expression started to melt, his eyes and lips curled into a smile.

"Congratulations Ms Winters you're about to be a mother."

First I couldn't believe my ears because the joy this mere sentence has caused me overwhelmed my whole being.

My faith in our love has been so strong and it proved me right.

I experienced happiness I only felt when I came in his arms saying his name and giving myself entirely to him.

Now I knew this little human being that was growing inside me meant even more than him, because it needed me more than anything else in this world. And I needed it as much as I needed Oliver, because now there was a part of him growing stronger with every day inside my womb, the miracle of life that belonged only to us.

Now, not only I was smiling, but even he was. I wanted to hug him, to show him how much I loved him and how grateful I am that it was him who told me the happiest news of my life. The only thing I could do now was to thank him, but deep inside I was uttering these exact words: congratulations Oliver you're about to be a father.


	4. Chapter 4

I heard him moaning even before I opened my eyes.

Those so familiar sounds that left no rock unturned in my body everytime I heard them. Am I only imagining it? I wasn't sure, because I couldn't feel him inside me nor his hands touching my skin and leaving traces of excitement on me with his fingers like buzzing electricity. I smiled and let out a soft gasp when I felt the bed under me rocking slowly.

It distracted me from my thoughts and I slowly opened my eyes. They had to adjust to the fluorescent lights it was too bright in the room, but in few short moments I could make out a figure in a dark blue night robe I have never seen him wear before.

It took me another moment to be able to focus on his face, his features looking soft and relaxed his mouth parted in panting and then the bewilderment of what I had just took a glance of made me not only to abruptly sit up but I jumped out of the bed as fast as I could. The chain on my ankle still restraining me so I couldn't move more than few feet from the bed.

He looked at me and smiled. I was trembling my whole body shaking on the cold tiles on the floor. He seemed to be enjoying himself the way I had never seen him before his genitals joined in the most intimate act with a woman who was lying on her stomach under him. Her skin pale white and bruised, her whole body covered in blue and purple marks, her hair brown and still soft looking and suddenly so familiar, but I couldn't see her face because it was facing the other direction. I couldn't understand what was I just witnessing.

"Lana do you want to join us?" he asked not breaking eye contact with me and still smiling before closing his eyes tightly, wrinkles forming on his face in grimace of arousal that seemed to affect his whole body. His fingers clenching the woman's hair tightly. I was still shaking when he looked at me again, my mouth opened in shock.

"It feels so...good." he uttered the last word slowly almost in a moan and closed his eyes again. Why was he doing it in a bed he chained me to and what had he expected me to do or feel? I coudn't feel anything but fear mixed with disgust and shock when he suddenly lifted the woman's head by her hair and turned her head towards so I could see her parted mouth almost all of her teeth missing and her widely opened eyes lacking any sign of life. And then it hit me with desperating that floated through my whole body up to my head burning through my nerves like the electroshock therapy threatments I had receieved at Briarcliff.

It was Wendy, dead and cold. Her chest sewn up with black thread from the post mortem examination.

"She's a little less lively than I'd want her to be, but then again she has no strength to protest or judge me." I heard him say, but my mind simply couldn't digest the sight of them or the enthusiasm and pleasure he was engaging in right before my eyes.

I reached for the chain on my ankle and wanted to yank it off, but it was still fastened to the hook under the bed. I started crying the horror of what I was also part of just now hitting me with the intensity of a meteor scattering me to trembling pieces.

"Come here." he ordered me to do, his voice soft and calm, but I knew deep inside he expected me to do as he says unless I wanted to be punished and see the bloody face mask with Wendy's teeth on his face. I had to obey otherwise he'd make me do it and the violence of it would be even more unpleasant than the sigh of him raping the lifeless body of my girlfriend. I slowly stood up and first placed my palm on the edge of the bed for supporting myself before climbing on the bed still weak in my knees. He reached out his hand, but I knew he couldn't force me to take it not even he had the power to make me touch him after his fingers had been tracing a cadaver's skin just moments ago.

"You can start by kissing her cold lips or you can kiss me." he said. I opened my mouth but I couldn't speak. He was pounding Wendy's body more furiously now and grabbed the hand I had laid on the mattress beside me.

I wanted to pull out but his grasp was too strong. He pulled me closer to him by my arm and I was sure he could hear my heart beating through my chest in abrupt movements. I swallowed hard closing my eyes before the tremendous horror.

In that moment I could feel his face next to mine, the hair that came lose from his usually perfect hairstyle softly brushed against my cheek like feathers. I could feel his hot breath on my neck sending tickles up my spine.

"I swear I'm already inside her womb I can feel it." he softly whispered into my ear as if telling a lover's sweet nothings and thrust forcefully even deeper inside her. "I will not be able to do it with you, but she doesn't feel anything so I'm not hurting her." his face was still pressed close to mine and I had to cover my mouth with my other hand because I couldn't take the shock anymore. I started sobbing. Why was he doing it to me? Seeing Wendy like this filled me with sadness, but he made me afraid. Afraid of what he might say or do next if he's capable of things like this.

"Don't cry, please." he stopped thrusting inside her "I won't hurt you Lana, I just want to feel the warm embrace of your body. I will be careful I promise."

He let go of my hand and before I could react to being released of his touch and move away, he caressed my cheek wiping off the traces of tears.

I could only stare at him with bewildered eyes and as if on my clue the moment when I closed my eyes he started pushing himself inside her and pulling back again in slow movements. I immediately opened my eye now already unable to cry. My hands ice cold as I clasped the hem of his robe with my fingers and leaned towards his face that was already inches away as he was kneeling over her.

I made sure to avoid getting my skin in contact with hers as I reached my other hand towards his face. He averted his gaze from Wendy to me almost surprised. I could see the excitement in his almond brown eyes. I pulled his face closer to mine feeling the perspiration on his neck with my fingers. He parted his lips and I closed my eyes. When our tongues touched I felt an immediate wave of strong pleasure running through my whole body leaving my muscles soft like jell-o and this arousal even strengthened as our tongues entangled so that I had to open my mouth and loudly moan into his. My voice echoing back from the basement's walls when I opened my eyes.

I was in a well known bed in my cell at Briarcliff. The sun was shining through the small barred window over my bed. I looked at the clock next to me at the nightstand. Half past ten.

The time didn't bother me, they let me sleep in since they've become aware of my pregnancy. My whole body and mind was perturbed by what I just witnessed moments ago. It felt so real, I could still feel his tongue in my mouth and hear the groaning sounds that were escaping his mouth when he was thrusting himself deep into Wendy.

I wiped the sweat from my forehead and swallowed hard. How could my subconscious show me images like that? Had I gone insane along with the residents of this asylum? I sat up on the bed and started to involuntary recall every detail of my dream. Her stiff body, ice melting from her hair into the pillow I had laid my head on every day and him finding pleasure inside the body of my dead girlfriend. The woman I killed I had to remind myself, was it a punishment my mind was doing because of all the guilt I felt more and more with the approaching birth of my little baby?

This time I was sure it had only been a dream, no memory or reality with Oliver I had experienced during my stay at Briarcliff could be like this. Taking advantage of Wendy's helpless body saddened me, but seeing Oliver in such enormous pleasure with somebody he could do anything with because she wasn't alive anymore. Somebody who wasn't me, made my stomach go funny all of a sudden and I remembered the kiss we parted with before I woke up here. Remembered the pleasure I felt not minding that his body was joined with Wendy inches close to me and suddenly I felt a contraction of my stomach muscle and I covered my mouth with my hand. But there was no food I could vomit, because I was famished and the last meal I had was my dinner last night.

As I moved out of the bed I could feel the wetness between my thighs and the clinging of my underwear to it. I recalled the morning when I wake up from my reality with Oliver just to realize I was heavily bleeding. The memory scared me as I moved my trembling hand inside my panties, but the liquid sticking to my fingers was clear, there was no trace of bloody just a proof of my twisted self I was disgusted with.

They had let me to have double portions of the meal we were getting in the asylum and the gynecologist Oliver had brought to examine me every other week has given me prenatal vitamins.

I was still counting the days, it has become my habit and today it had been exactly six months that Oliver had given me the best news of my life and right after told me pregnancy becomes me and I had already visible gained weight althought I couldn't notice it myself. I was scared and doubtfull at that time and he seemed to have mood swings just like the weather was changing in April, but with time our scheduled therapies became more stereotypical and he started to show interest in my health. Just one week after the blood tests proved that I'm pregnant he brought an elderly man into his office introducing him as his former professor from the university who still worked as an obstestrician at the local hospital. He has been coming ever since on Friday twice a month to examine me and make sure everything's alright with the baby.

It wasn't easy to convince sister Jude of approving especially when the doctor told her they'll have to immediately take me to the hospital once the labour pains will start because of my arrhythmia which could cause my death during the birth. Everytime I walked past her in the corridors she was giving me a look of someone preparing for revenge, but I wasn't afraif of her anymore. Everything that occupied my mind was right there for me, the little one inside my belly and Oliver daily taking care of me and the other patients.

Seeing him all the time made my heart flutter and filled me with genuine happiness. Only the dreams were giving me a hard time. I still couldn't explain them, whether they were dreams or some sort of alternate reality that could be seen in science fictions programs on television. I couldn't mention it to anyone, not even to him. I knew it was the only thing I have to face completely alone.

I knew I was doing right and my recovery was almost at my grasp now, even Oliver said so and I was looking forward to the moment when the little one is born so I could take care of it. And love it the way Oliver himself would have deserved. Of course it has only been an illusion. Just like the one in which I could be released from Briarcliff and start a family with him and at the same time dreading the moment when it would happen and we'd stay strangers to each other just as we were now. Just a doctor and one of his favourite patients who manipulated him into believing she's sane now while she was still having delusions about their love in another reality far away that occupied only her head.

These thoughts had taken me far away from the shrieks of insane inmates and the rustling of the wind in the beautifuly coloured leaves on trees in this warm October afternoon as I was walking past the benches in the park that surrounded Briarcliff. When a familiar voice called after me.

"Lana" he was rushing towards me as I turned around and saw him elegant as ever. His dark hair slicked back, his eyes piercing through his Ronsir glasses wearing a light grey coloured suit with a dark red tie. He slowed his steps down as he approached me and smiled.

"The guards just told me you were outside. I just came to let you know that our scheduled therapy for tomorrow will be canceled. I have some urgent business to take care of outside of town, but if you'd need anything I'm here today until the late hours, because I rescheduled the therapies with other patients for today." He gave me a reassuring smile I used to see on his face when I found myself in doubt and he patted my shoulder. I nodded the smile slowly fading from my face.

"Is everyting alright..." he asked still not letting go of my shoulder "with the baby?" he added.

"Yes of course." I answered calmly traces of a smile coming back to my cheeks, but I was still disappointed that I won't see him tomorrow and that he rescheduled every therapy but mine.

"I'll be inside if you need anything." He slowly removed his hand from my shoulder letting it slip down my arm until he pulled it back right when his fingers would come in touch with my skin at the hem of the sleeve of my sweater. My eyes were following him back to the building hurrying up the front steps. He's always been like this in this cruel insane world. Smiling at me and being a concerned doctor, but the next moment showing me that I'm no more than just a simple patient he cares about because he took an oath. And everytime I thought it will be okay. I had to be strong.

I'm finally starting to get used to it although the reality of his feelings pierce through my skin like a thick needle right into my heart sucking all the air from my arteries and leaving me anxious and empty.

I sat down on the nearest bench and closed my eyes. I tried to imagine what the world could look like outside this institution on other side of the high and thick fence that separate me from the life normal people were living.

I imagined Oliver's house at the end of the road in the woods, the glass wall of his living room, his car parking at the front door and me siting somewhere near on a bench breathing a clear and free air. The vision of it calmed me and as I placed my hand on my belly that was now visible even under the uncomfortable nightgown of pale blue colour I had to wear all the time.

When I opened my eyes I heard him breathing hard the bright light pinching my eyes so I had to force myself to blink several times before I could see clearly that I'm in the basement again.

Oliver's loins still connected to Wendy and my hand holding his neck as if I would have parted my lips from his kiss only a moment ago. Finding myself there again scared me. He seemed to notice and I saw the confusion in his eyes. How could this be happening again? I started to scream I couldn't stop my vocal chords from letting our a loud piercing sound.

His eyes widened he reached for me, but in that instant I pulled myself back and landed right on my back on the floor. I yanked my whole body as far from the bed as I could and suddenly I heard a sound of metal scratching into another surface and the chain that was going from my akle to the hook under the bed came loose. The cuf on my ankle still stable but the long chain lying on the floor as I abruptly stood up few links at the end falling to the floor with a loud thud.

It seemed like the time stopped because the surprise mixed with shock in both of us made everything seem to follow in slow motion. The only thing I could see now were the stairs as I climbed on them falling to my knees and trying hard to move up with the support of my hands scratching myself on their rough concrete surface. Panick filled my whole being and I could hear him screaming my name and I felt him running up the stair even if I was looking forward unable to turn aroud and lose precious time that for me was counted in milliseconds now. I pushed myself with every strength towards the door just to find it unlocked.

I was gasping for air as my lungs seemed heavy and I could see the living room before my eyes. Everything looked the same as I had seen it a long time ago before he locked me in the basement, I could even recognize the lamp shade made from human skin as I passed it running to the other part of the house where the kitchen seemed to be. I don't know why was my mind noticing irrelevant things slowing down my thinking when I suddenly fall down. My face hitting the carpet. The metal cuf on my ankle scratching my skin until blood ran from the scar as he was pulling the chain towards him on the floor. Grabbing my wrist when he was at an arm length. His eyes furious I couldn't look away from them. He lifted me not paying attention to anything else as I was screaming from him hurting me as my body ached already from falling to the floor and he let his robe to slide down. He pushed me down to the sofa's soft surface still holding my wrists as he lay on the top of my body weighting me down. I could feel his erection pressing against me.

"What were you thinking?" he yelled "You can't escape me in any way." He let go of my left hand and moved his hand under my nightgown.

I tried to stop him, but it seemed as if I was only stroking his forearm as he moved lower because I haven't had enough strength to stop his hand. He pulled my panties down in one violent movement and I knew I have no chance against him doing as he pleases with my body. I tried to sit up as he was trying to enter me, but his weight wouldn't let me to move so I punched him. My closed fist landing right under his right eye. I could instantly see the regret in his eyes that he had let go of my wrist. I thought he will punch me back or slap me hard, but he only grabbed me thigh and lifted it up pushing it against the back of the couch.

"You will enjoy it as much as I do." he smiled a flicker of insanity flashed through his eyes. "Just think about me being inside her just minutes ago, you'll be joined with her once again."

I couldn't scream and couldn't think. I wanted to close my eyes but it wouldn't keep me from feeling him inside me. I wanted to plead for him to stop and let me go, but I knew it would just be a waste of breath. As I felt him slowly pushing in he loudly moaned and I wasn't sure what the sound that escaped my lips meant.

I tried to forget Wendy naked in the basement and him inside me right now doing the same thing as he had been doing to her. He started caressing my cheek and I couldn't understand what he's doing, why is he suddenly gentle when I realized the wetness he's sliding himself in.

He was kissing my neck and the whole world was slowly fading. I couldn't make out the surroundings nor the room the only thing I could see and feel was him. He moved faster as he realized I'm not trying to escape his touch anymore. He lifted his head from my neck and started touching my breasts while not breaking eye contact with me. I grabbed his forearm but this time I couldn't make myself to push him away instead I just laid my fingers on the soft hair on his hand.

I looked up at him and I could tell from the expression on his face that he's close to the climax. His eyes rolling to the back of his head. He moved even faster now and just few moments after started calling out my name over and over in the waves of orgasm and finally his head collapsed on my chest.

I burried my face into his hair and inhaled the sweet musky scent deep into my lungs. Then he slowly started pulling out I could feel the warm semen sliding down my thigh.

"Don't." was the only thing I could force myself to say. He stopped and pushed himself back. I suddenly felt a violent movement inside me and I was unable to move from the pain.

I opened my eyes and I had seen the park layed out before me and the building of the asylum. The pain was almost unbearable and I had already forgotten the dream that was causing me so much confusion, disgust and pleasue at the same time. I could tell the baby was coming.

I cried out for help seeing only the heads of the insane turning towards me. I yelled at the top of my lungs when the guards appeared from the building, but I couldn't tell what they were doing because the pain was blinding me now. I was gasping for air and tried to keep my eyes open. It seemed like an eternity before Oliver appeared and sat down next to me holding me around my shoulders.

"It's okay Lana, the ambulance will be here any minute, just breathe." His words soothed me a bit, but they couldn't make the pain go away and the fear of the ambulance not arriving in time and me giving birth here while the child needed doctors to take care of it because the it was due next month.

"Just close your eyes and breathe." he told me pressing his cheek against my temple, if the circumstances wouldn't be paralyzing all my senses I would be ovewhelmed by such closeness, but then I could only feel the overwhelming pain. And all I could do was pray under my breath to all the saints to stand guard for my baby. The seconds blended into minutes and the minutes into hours. I wasn't sure of the time anymore, I couldn't focuse on anything. I could only see scattered images and hear hushed voices as they were putting me inside the ambulance car. The doors closed and I stayed alone with the two doctors while all I wanted was Oliver to hold my hand.

* * *

They said I can't go with her although they clearly knew I was a doctor too.

The watch on my wrist looked like it needed to be fixed because the minutes were dragging as if they had been hours.

All I could do was pacing up and down the corridors. They said they'll call when the baby is born and they wouldn't let me into the surgery anyway.

The young nun promised to tell me when they do and I believed her.

I didn't give a damn about what they might think, not anymore. She was more important, they both were.

I found myself standing in front of her cell. I don't even know how did I get there.

I entered to find a tidy bed as she would leave it in the morning and sat down. The air seemed thick here.

I put my hand on the pillow tracing its fabric with my finger. My gaze all of a sudden focused on the object that was sticking out from underneath it. It looked like a book.

I took it to see what it is. It was black and blank, no title was written on it. It seemed strange. I started turning the pages and then I saw half of it is empty the other half is filled with handwriting.

I narrowed my gaze on the letters on the first page. _ It's been 21 days since it started. _Read the first line. _ It's always the same, except for the very first time. He was very angry after it happened._

My mind was working fast and hard to make out the meaning of these words. Obviously wrriten by her hand.

_I started to play his game where he believed it was me who provoked him and deliberately turned him on. _I covered my mouth with one hand. I couldn't believe the words I was just reading.

My eyes slid down the page in search for some explanation. _I could tell that he was finally sorry for everything he'd done to me, but was it enough for me to forgive him? Right now was it enough not to hate him and feel compassion for his lost soul? I had no idea what I just started. What had I set sail to through this raging ocean that has become my life? Our lives. _Our lives...I slowly said out loud.

I couldn't stop myself from going on although it seemed more private than anything I've ever read.

_Because from that moment it started to be obvious that we' going to be connected in more ways than just physical._

My breathing was faster now and I knew I'm not calm enough to finish reading the whole diary, so I turned to the last page searching for something reasonable.

Her handwriting was messier and the pen changed to a pencil, but the last three words she scribbled on the paper in capitals were clear. _I REMEMBER EVERYTHING. _She had written.


End file.
